why didn’t i edit better

I couldve too the time and effort to quote th e article directly , make links and be professional but I can’t be bothered, oh well, I’m just tired not up for it and can’t deal

Well… oajaky I DID get myself together enough for a couple quotes

and the only reason this got written just now, is because I accepted that the best i could do tonight was a bit half-ass. and it’s real

and cause the voice inside said speak up speak up right away, however way it comes or it’ll just never get said,

and cause sometimes I just want to SUCK at my job / life / whatever and not care !!!! well kinda, maybe not really, hm. i kinda want to be a “hot mess” though and make it okay – cause it… IS???

SURE IS. But I’m starting to hate that phrase though. “hot mess,” ew so overplayed

omg gues why I’m tired, I was up all night writing and then I got up so early and worked all day. And I didn’t cook dinner cause it was too much more work , i paid for someone else to make it for me, yay.

This morning I almost wore makeup but I thought nah, too much work. I wore an attractive, classic outfit though and that was fuckin-a good enough for me. I looked nice.

I almost considered going on a dating site cause i almost felt a bit lonely and one of the men at work today was flirting with me and i almost could’ve entertained the thought of a man but i was so tired and I thought nahhhh, too much work.

And I almost hit up may actual lover or whatever status it is, whatever but I thought naaaaaahhhhhh, too much work cauyase then i might have to

worry about how i look and fuck it

Then when I got home from work I wanted to go to the cafe to write and I almost changed into another outfit but that would’ve required too much thought and I took my hair down and it’s super long since I made up my mind I can’t cut it till my $2500 credit card is paid off

and when i took it down it was all kinda wack, didn’t look that great to me

and i almost wanted to do something to make myself look more cute

but it was too much work so i said fuck it, and i left the house

just like that, fiuck it

Dear Girsl. Do your best to be lazy.

 

I’m exhausted and I so feel like an old ass broad. I can barely sit sup, barely type. Did I just say “sup”? Yeah. Oops. Up.

Too much work to back space.

Today I saw some lady online who has a blog and she’s got like at least 1000 words bitching about all these many many young women sporting “I can’t adult today” tees and posters and whatever.

I didn’t have the energy to post a comment… well I alsmot did but then half way through the tome she’s quoting and buch of patronizing crap from the bible and she lost me there. back button.

Spelling, yay.

Anyway her whole entire argument can be summed up as “girls need to get off their asses and get back to work, not lounge areound drinking wine on the couch all day. Dear girsl: BE AWESOME!! “

Suddenly I don’t regret neglecting to comment. There’s no point in arguing with somebody who is quoting scripture. They’ve already made up their mind so there is no debate.

“Wow be your awesome selves, look what you can do, girls, you can be/do ANYTHING !!!! “

Give me a break.

Women have been working their asses off for CENTURIES. Are you really this pissed that your daughter might consider taking… a personal day???

After all, she does specify “today,” doesn’t it? Does she say, every day? No. Can’t adult today. didn’t think about that, did ya?

Here’s what I think “Can’t adult Today” really means. Because we’re not in the dark ages any more. We’re just not. And when you lament

“And I hear [I can’t adult today] loudest…

from women.” (direct quote)

maybe there’s a really great reason for that.

Maybe these lazy ass insensible carefree wine-swilling women are telling us “you know what, how about somebody else do this shit. I don’t want to. I’m tired. You know what, I want to sit on the couch. Like my boyfriend, dad, brothers, etc. do without question. I want to relax and not think about… taking care of everything and everyone. How’s that? Hm. I’m tired of being responsible for all the troubles and cares. I’m tired of doing all this labor. The emotional labor too. What if I don’t want labor running my damn life.

And why should I overachieve endlessly while nobody else complains when some guy, maybe my brother or whoever gets to… I don’t know… maybe play video games, hang out on the computer, smoke and do whatever he wants unchecked? You’re not writing articles about him. Girls are going to college more than ever, earning top grades, etc, and we still rarely get the best jobs. Why don’t you tell HIM what to do and what to be on a public platform, why don’t you tell him what you think he’s doing wrong???? I”m tired.

We’ve had enough of not being good enough for your standards. The whole world is demanding too many things from us, too much too much. What do you want from us now???

Make no mistake. The blog post is something we’re quite familiar with: it’s a good old-fashioned GUILT TRIP. The author says we don’t need to be perfect, but it’s not believable. Cause she somehow misses the point that “I Can’t Adult Today” actually supports the freedom to be imperfect. Instead, the mom interprets it this way:

“I want to grow up to Not be able to ADULT. or “My Life Goal is to lay around and drink wine all day…Im a HOT MESS.” with a cautionary “The hot mess you claim is the hot mess you become. It’s a fact.” (direct quote)

Right. So basically she just lept straight from taking a personal day to…. a hot mess? life goals over? Yeah ,exactly. This is exactly the stuff that needs to go away. One false move, girls, and suddenly your a fuckin g failure. One flaw. Who knows, maybe one personal day is all it takes! you could be on the couch with wine for the rest of your life !!! one day and you’re out of the game, everybody will forget you, you’ll be left behind, your life will be over, and everyone will blame you for everything.

And you’ll never get a man. And your parents will reject you. And you won’t be … good. You won’t be a good girl. You’ll be a fuckin loser. And you’ll disappoint my expectations.

Right. If you don’t like “I can’t adult today”, well how about this. How about DON’T PUT THAT SHIT ON ME !!!!

Stop telling me to be the best everywhere I turn. I HATE having to be the best at everything !!! I’m not the best and that’s okay!!!

Just because we’ve been screwed over in history or whatever. It’s not my job to make up for that. NOT MY JOB

 

 

 

 

…but you’re thin and beautiful, why do you care?

Let’s not kid ourselves. Or should I say, let’s not let them kid us anymore. Try as we might to promote body positivity and wellness, there’s a deeper trouble: at the end of the day it hardly matters what type of body we have, what kind of face, it’s not going to be good enough. It’s not supposed to be good enough, because if it were, then we wouldn’t need to continue bankrupting all our resources to keep up. As in all the money, time, and energy spent on appearances in hopes our experience of this world might improve, that we might be judged more kindly, treated better, valued higher.

Let’s consider the energy expenditure. The precious resource of energy. The mental, the physical, the emotional. This stuff is such a drain. The amount of junk to process is a drain.

The fact is that there is always a manufactured problem with our bodies, no matter the size or type. Let’s just get through this somewhat banal point before we get to the juice, because it seems it still hasn’t sunk in. If you’re not skinny, then you’re overweight. Then you need to be on so many diets. Shamed in subtle ways if you’re average, or in obvious ways if you’re fat. If you’re thin, that’s another problem. Then you need bigger boobs, a bigger butt. Then you have to contend with “real women have curves” as if you’re not real when in fact women of all sizes have curves in all different proportions. But it’s like the only way for any body to exist and get its fifteen minutes is by devaluing another body. But that’s all just the tip of the iceberg. Size and shape are only the beginning of the problem.

Maybe you’re “not beautiful” because you’re “not healthy” enough and so you need to invest in fancy cleanses and fringe diets and unforgiving exercise regimes. Maybe your hair is too curly, too straight, too frizzy, too flat, too boring, too thin, too long or short, too blah. Your face is fading, sinking, shrinking, sagging. You’re too pale, too dark, too mixed. Too plain. Too spotty. Too short in this situation, too tall in another, too muscular or not buff enough. Too…. old. It’s all fucked up.

No matter what you do, you’re too much of one thing and therefore not enough of another. You can never win. And that’s why I have to question whether or not we are really so free as we think we are. If freedom is nothing more than being able to buy whatever appearance we want within our socioeconomic means to feel less inadequate and defective, well that’s a hole that can never be filled and I’d say it’s rather depressing and unacceptable.

I want us to be really free to not even have to think about this empty, over-hyped, overrated body competition circus and anti-aging nonsense, much less worry about it. At this time the plastic surgery and injections industry is probably the ultimate symbol of our second class citizenship, and it’s growing more than ever before.  We are not allowed to be as we are without a fight – I think, not without an all-out loud ass rebellion. We are not allowed to age as men do because aging women are not seen as beautiful as they are because we as a society do not allow aging women to exist as a form of beauty. Now it seems we don’t even want them to exist at all. I posit that we are very beautiful as we age – in a different way than we are when very young – and we ought to demand that this is seen by making it so. Provided that our creativity and intelligence don’t get totally wasted on all this other bullshit. But at this point, aging among women is so taboo that it’s damn near impossible to appreciate it. Just like being “fat” used to be the most totally taboo offense until we started to reject it, now they’ve moved on to another trap: now it is the wrinkle. It is the shadow. It is the sun spot.

The injections marketing is so effective you’d think that botox and fillers are cutting-edge, hip, and par for the course. Instead of what they really are, which is just another ball-and-chain. The procedures, along with the outrageously priced creams and all the rest, seem to become less and less elective. Which is to be expected, when your appearance is the primary marker of your worth and value. You could say that our culture has never been more superficial.

To a lesser extent men are also affected by these pressures, but let’s be honest about who are the real bread-and-butter consumers of the diet, anti-aging and cosmetic industries. For men at least, plastic surgery still remains largely elective. As for the rest of us, I question how much “personal choice” there really is to participate in the new standard. Just as we “advance” beyond the pay gap, basic rights, and sexual harassment issues — well we now also “advance” to a more sophisticated brand of mainstream misogeny and sexism. A closeted brand that’s less about the amount of money coming in, and more about the outgoing expenditures required to keep up with the demands and pressures. It’s a brand we can buy into. For now.

Is this freedom? This struggle to project the perfectly crafted, composed, polished, “fresh” specimens of ourselves? We are hardly encouraged to be as we are in any kind of way, which is at the very heart of our impoverishment, and the crux of our updated role. And I argue that there is such a role. In the demand for youth and perfection on every level, we are asked to serve as a representation. We are asked to take on all of culture’s discomfort with the mortality, pain, and suffering endemic in real life. We are asked to take on its rejection of the full range of emotions, limiting our expressions to that which is most pleasant and pleasing. We are asked to blind ourselves and others to that which makes us all most human, including our vulnerabilities and our “flaws.” We are asked to use our own bodies and faces to uphold and validate cultural intolerances, asked to symbolize ever-changing cultural fantasies at every turn, asked to blithely ignore, dismiss, and bypass our own socioeconomic realities. How can we possibly celebrate our own lives in the truest and most authentic sense, without feeling invited to bring and assert our whole selves? All under the guise of “fun” and “self-expression,” we are asked to reject parts of ourselves, to micromanage what elements of life and of ourselves are seen, known, appreciated, and it’s at our own expense. And it’s so tiring. There’s always something to be done to become more desirable, but it is a losing battle.

Why not call this battle what it really is, because it sure isn’t progress. It’s a scam. Like all good scams, this one preys on the most vulnerable. And like all good scams, it really doesn’t look like a scam, but it is, of the most insidious variety. You think you get what you pay for. But the real cost is so much more more than the sticker price.

Yes we are beautiful. But we don’t need all this stuff to be beautiful. We don’t need all this stuffing either. We don’t need anything.

I know this is the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

you better be a perfect ten or just forget about it. for life.

This weekend I was so not impressed with the peek-a-book we all got to have of Salma Hayek’s titty tattoo. Just, why? What exactly was going through her head when she posted this?

At first I felt angry. Then enraged. Is that what we’re supposed to be doing now as women? Is this type of thing the best we can do? 

I had no choice but to view this Salma Hayek luxury lifestyle exhibit / propaganda because it was in the news feed. Along with some famous lady’s kid’s outfit. Really?? Ugh !!!

I can’t rally the anger now. It didn’t last long. Now I just feel …. sad. We’re not just star struck, we’re star stung.

I’m not saying never wear makeup for the rest of your life, never buy a nice new dress, etc. But the pressure on us has become quite overblown and it’s time to put the bullshit up on blast.

I’m not buying this notion floating around that it’s so brave to parade our bodies half-naked or nude in public and that’s how you earn your respect and admiration. Nothing against nudity generally speaking, I like the hot springs too. I’m just saying this is NOT the bravest thing.

The bravest thing is to not buy into the glamour obsession, the injections, the filters, the industries making millions and billions of dollars off of our insecurity, our disenfrancischment and disempowerment as women. The bravest thing is to recognize that our lives are worth more than fashion, beauty, food and fancy diets, and our bodies. Even though it seems that’s where we’re most safe, accepted, and dare I say valued. But our existence is worth more than just for entertainment.

They’ve put us in our place. Which is in Entertainment. You could say it’s our #1 industry now, more than ever before, and we feel like shit for a reason. Let’s not forget that our bodies are used to sell and make people shitloads of money. That’s all they care about. They don’t care about us and they don’t care about art. They care about money and it’s easy when consumers are brainwashed as fuck.

It’s not that entertainment is bad. There’s a place for entertainment. It’s that we seem to be relegated to this role whether we actually work in entertainment or not. The role of providing (someone) with amusement or enjoyment – Dictionary.com’s definition of to entertain. Also to receive someone as a guest and provide them with food or drink. To give attention or consideration to (something). Service with a facelift. Don’t trip.

And it’s no secret that entertainers’ actual abilities and talents matter only as much, if not less, than having and maintaining their fuckability. At any expense. Specifically if you’re a woman. You better be a perfect ten. For life.

Doomed to be overrated for the wrong reasons. And underrated for the exact same reasons.

Who exactly is most entertained, and who suffers?

Somehow all this manipulation gets disguised as progress for women. It looks like it builds us up, just as it keeps us down. Even as we secretly underrate ourselves in a kind of collective perfectionism that spreads like a disease, it’s like we’re supposed to be done. We’re supposed to act like we got what we wanted, so be grateful and shut up. I don’t think so. Somebody’s got to call it out, might as well be me. Because there’s no way I can walk away from Salma Hayek’s titty tattoo without considering its deeper significance. Because we’re all smarter than we pretend.

Recently my lover made a huge deal about how smart Stormy Daniels is. Interesting. I don’t think, in our seven off and on years, he’s ever called me smart even once. Or intelligent or anything of the sort. It’s almost as if he does that on purpose, but I’ve never faulted him for what might be no more than a reflection of his own insecurities. But Stormy Daniels? She’s so smart, in fact, it was as if he needed to go out of his way to express this point to me. Right.

I’m sure she is INCREDIBLY impressive. Considering we have no idea who this woman really is, we have never met her, all we know of her is what’s on television and the internet. And yes, she was smart enough to sell the looks and body to a powerful white man with a big mouth and a bunch of money, smart enough to cash in on everyone’s lowest common denominator in service to everyone’s bottom line including hers, and then open a couple of lawsuits because that just makes you look even more clever. And probably smart enough to invest in enough quality plastic surgery and products to deceive 7 billion people. Everybody knows that if we’re willing to go through that, people will want to work with you. Because you will do whatever it takes.

It’s quite mysterious. Seven years and he still talks to me, so I can’t be that dumb. Yet for some reason this prestigious word “smart” is sooner applied to this totally abstract person. Tv wins. I lose. I’m average, right? I get it, right? Nice girl. It’s not his fault if he’s wrong. And it’s not his fault if he’s fucking brainwashed. This shit is everywhere.

Are you smart enough to sell out? I’m not. Clearly.

Last week I painted my nails with my $6 bottle of polish and it completely changed my reality for three days. Imagine if I bought a pair of fake tits? How much would my reality change? How much more respect and admiration would I earn?

What else could I have done with that 6 bucks and that 20 minutes?

And isn’t it kind of… scary to put something foreign into your body? I’m scared just thinking about it. Yet I understand why people do. Look around us at what we have to live with.

It’s time we remind ourselves and our lovers about the difference between real and fake, first of all by looking at the parts of ourselves that either already are fake or want to be more fake. And recognize that even as we love the men in our lives and don’t want to make them feel bad, the fact is that this is still a man’s world, that we’re still being put in our place, that we’re still totally objectified if not worse than ever before, that we’re being manipulated and controlled and we don’t have voice and we’re broke. It’s time we come to realize that how far we’ve come just isn’t good enough. IT’S NOT fucking GOOD ENOUGH !!!!

Tell me who gets best served, in this hookup culture we live in?

Who is best served in this culture of flashy, sexy, glamorous images of girls and women? And who pays for it? Who pays for it?

It’s desperately, pathetically sad what we go through.

Where are our favorite heroes? Excuse me, heroines. Salma? Hollywood? Marvel comics?

Look at the picture. All Salma achieves in this moment is make us wish we had bigger boobs, a different kind of face, or that we can buy a new tattoo. It might be time to bust out that credit card.

This shit fucking WORKS. And they know it.

I wanted to read the real news, and I’m not sorry but Salma Hayek’s breast just doesn’t make the cut for me. What else is new, other than women will have to be jealous and hate themselves and men will jack off?

It’s so old. Don’t you wish you could look like me? Don’t you wish you could fuck me? Don’t you wish …

Is this the best we can do?


Rest assured this rejection letter is not a rejection letter

 

It’s hilarious when you don’t get in to a poetry writing workshop and the letter says something like “We hope you will not take this news as a rejection.”

I get it that the acceptance rate was low. Yet I still immediately think to myself, okay maybe that’s not the workshop for me, anyway.

Because let’s zoom in on that. “We hope you will not take this news as a rejection.” When in fact, that’s EXACTLY what it is. A rejection. Hahahahahaha

This is exactly what’s wrong with everything that’s …. not right. Why can’t we use the correct word? Why can’t we call something exactly what it is? Otherwise just don’t bring up the word at all. That’s better than advising us against using the exact specific most appropriate word. Which is rejection.

Why is rejection so bad? I’m not afraid of this word anymore.

If we could use our words better, think how much easier it would be to call out so much bullshit. “Wow, so fucking misogynistic.” “Total ignorance.” Or “I’m so tired of channel 4 subjecting us to these stupid ass plastic surgery commercials (which they don’t want to call commercials) right in the middle of news hour. Give me a fucking break!!”

Can’t we just call that shit now? Instead of pretending like we didn’t just hear what we heard, see what we saw. We may act impervious but we’re not stupid. Tell me you’re not pissed off too on a daily basis on the inside, about the manipulations we’re forced to defend ourselves against almost every waking hour. That’s the real rejection btw. That’s the shit to be raging against the machine about.

Let’s talk more about the poetry world for a sec. Word choice is the job of the poet more than any other kind of artist, at least in theory. We need to find the right words. Yet who is most afraid of words? Poets? Mincing or avoiding words because of diplomacy, because of feelings, because of too much disempowerment? But this is exactly why we’re not even in the game, in society. These are the world’s smartest people with words !! but their words !! locked up in the university, confined to political correctness and/or garden-variety office politics.  It’s a shame.

Is the poetry world too above the drama of lesser societies, too above the divisiveness and polemical discussions running rampant everywhere else, perhaps too enlightened for all that? Let’s remind ourselves that part of enlightenment also involves making a big giant fucking MESS.

If we could all handle just a little more rejection, if we could get more fired up about shit and speak freely and disagree freely, if we could start worrying more about principles and less about being IN with the powers that be, then maybe we’d have more relevance and influence. Just a thought.

Next time you write my rejection letter, you might give me some version of “Better luck next time,” which is totally fine by me, as it should be. And say whatever else you want, but please be advised of the significance of claims such as “this rejection letter is not a rejection” which is basically what that boils down to.  It’s unnecessary to try so hard to please, it’s making us all look bad.

Because I already know the real reasons for the rejection letter anyway, and it doesn’t have to be such a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  And for those who don’t know the reasons, here they are.  “We are rejecting your application because we don’t like your writing, or because there are too many writers whose work we like and it’s a lottery, or because our selection process is rigged, or because your writing doesn’t speak to our interests or agenda, or maybe because your writing is actually better than we think it is.”

“In short, this rejection likely has nothing to do with you. Except in the event that your writing really does actually suck that bad, which is unlikely. Especially if you had enough connections in the field to be aware that this workshop even existed and enough experience to have the balls to apply here.”

Dear writers, dear readers, publishers, workshop hosts. Rest assured, we don’t need to worry about not getting in anymore. I’m not worried. If you reject my writing and/or me, I’ll just take it elsewhere. Like here. Or here. Or here. (Just kidding, I’m not linking my other blogs. Not now, they have pictures and we’re not fucking doing that here, yo).

 

 

 

 

And this deserves its own post

I text my friend who witnessed the whole thing because she was actually sitting at his table in the group and she said “that would have made me super uncomfortable.”  Along with a “well, he’s out of control, what can ya do?” type of comment with a shrug emoji.  Cause that’s how we usually deal with this crap.  Politely.  We understand.  We are diplomatic.  

Can’t you just let me be???

Wow.  I am not fucking around here, folks.

Today I actually had the thought: wow well yesterday I had all these things to say on this blog but this morning I didn’t.  Even though I had the time to write, more time than yesterday. 

And then I thought, I’m just not even feeling the need to write, here.  Why?  Maybe because I feel pretty today, I feel more attractive today than I felt yesterday, so today I’m in the game.  I’m in the fucking game. 

All I did was wake up, throw on jeans and a tee and sandals, no makeup, no fussing around with the hair.  So yeah that’s my state of mind.  And I didn’t even have to buy anything. 

Am I seriously thinking that if I feel pretty today, that I suddenly have nothing to say?  That’s how easy it is to placate me with that shit? 

Damn. 

And then I was approached again.  By some dude.  Not for a date, just because for whatever reason this local dude just has to have my attention.  Just has to. 

Every time I see this guy.  I’m sitting alone in the cafe working, writing, drawing, thinking, and minding my own damn business.  He’s sitting at some other table with his friends and recognizes me through mutual acquaintances although we don’t actually know each other.  Even though I have nothing to do with their group at all, he seems to have taken a shine to me.  He spontaneously barks over advice at me about where I should get up and move to sit out of the direct sun.  I’m actually enjoying the direct sun so I tell him I’m perfectly fine thanks.  Then for next thirty to forty-five minutes he periodically shouts stuff in my direction, like his opinion about my tee shirt to his friends, he stares at me and intentionally tries to catch my gaze, he talks over people at me even though I’m clearly disengaged.  I’m not sure what the attraction is, maybe it’s because I refuse to comply with the demand to be tended to, or refuse to be gracious toward the behavior.  I simply ignore it because I didn’t come here for this.  I came here to enjoy myself, not to humor or entertain some guy.  Then as I get up to leave he leans forward, thrusts a hand up into the air, and shouts over everyone to me, “IT’S BEEN A PLEASURE.” as I run out the door as fast as I can away from his cluelessness / dumb ass.

It’s not always about being cute, it’s about power.  It’s the same old shit in the street for our whole life.  That shit like: Smile, sweetie.  Can I get a smile?  Give daddy some attention.  Smile for me.  Fuck you !!!  Fuck off, bro!!!

And now I’m fucking pissed off again. Leave me alone !!! 

 

Why can’t you just leave me alone !!!

 

Just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE !!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those Women I Want to Be

Cute.  Squirrels jumping trees, the branches swishing noisily, playfully.  I do love living here. 

I like my job and I couldn’t always say that.  This is all new.  The hourly is good. I work many half-days but that’s a blessing in disguise.

What I don’t like is being in debt.  That’s really what inspired this blog. Because there’s something taboo about the talk of money. And about what kind of opportunity we really have and don’t have, realistically.

What I don’t like is being single, feeling like I want to go out on dates and look pretty, but I can’t afford to look pretty, that’s the truth. 

What I don’t like is expressing this angst, anger, frustration, whatever, about the way we’re treated and it’s not cute, it’s not what we’re supposed to do and nobody wants to hear it.  We’re supposed to put up gorgeous pictures of ourselves, make ourselves look good at any expense.  Any expense. 

Everything we have, if we have to.   

I saw this woman on Sunday and she looked absolutely gorgeous.  I wanted to look like her, but I had to check myself.  How much would I have to pay to look like that?  I know the cost of hair in a quality salon around here.  Hers looked to be about $300-$500 for cut and color with ombre (her hair was quite long).  It looked fantastic on her.  That makeup, those clothes.  She looked so sexy and alluring.  How much would I have to spend on all that?  And how much time would I have to put into that? 

I used to be like this.  I used to put in the money and the effort, even when I was broke.  I found the money for my appearance.  And now I regret it.  Not that I did what I wanted to do, but I regret the times I really was broke, yet feeling like my appearance was so important that I would give up meager resources of money and time when I really had neither.  It seems like such a waste. 

If I actually have the money, perhaps that would be different?  Sort of.  Only in the sense that it wouldn’t be quite as stupid.  But right now I really don’t.  I have to accept myself as I am.  And yeah it’s a choice, too. I’m simply not going to scrounge up that money. I’m simply not going to choose my appearance over financial freedom. It’s not worth it. The extra boost of superficial attention will not be worth it.

Someone might say, well maybe I’m just repressing my sexuality and femininity by rejecting beauty and fashion.  But those industries are making so much money off me, so much and the truth is I don’t have the money, I don’t have the resources.  How many are like me?  And how many are like the old me, spending what I really didn’t have just to feel worthy and valuable? 

I’m mad because this culture makes me feel like I have to spend all this money on my appearance just because I’m a woman, or else.  If men don’t have to thread their eyebrows, why should I?  I’m broke.  Let’s be real here. 

I don’t believe beauty can be cheap.  Nothing is cheap when you have debt.  Every extra dollar you spend is just more interest you’re paying to some ginormous company, adding to its millions and billions of dollars.  They are taking your money.  What’s left for you?  Don’t tell me the beauty industry is for me.  Don’t even tell me these college loans were for me, all these profits they’re making off of us.  LOL !!!!!! 

I’m going to work now.  My hair looks terrible, I desperately need a new style.  But I’m not spending even $38.00 for that right now, at least not until these credit card bills are paid.  The credit card bills are the first to tackle. Four thousand eight hundred and fifty dollars total.

Some part of me is dying to be those women, all those type of women I see, some part of me is dying to play the fool, but it truly is all bullshit.